On a Scale of One to ‘Roadhouse’: 10 Vampire Movies Better Than “New Moon”

It has been brought to my attention that “New Moon” is coming out on DVD soon. I tend to pick on the “Twilight” series pretty hard because of how dumbed-down and tweened-out the whole God-forsaken thing is to me.

As a wise man once wrote, “Twilight” is essentially porn for girls. In theory, I find absolutely nothing wrong with that, but in practice I find that I would rather watch or read just about anything before “Twilight.”

It is Anne Rice for a new generation, just as Anne Rice was Bram Stoker for another generation. In my not so humble opinion, a vampire should be a monster, not a twinkling, whiney, and creepy-in-all-the-wrong-ways sad sack.

So, here are 10 vampire movies that you should rent instead of the “Twilight” series.

Suck on this, “New Moon.”

10. “The Forsaken”

Called “Vampires of the Desert” in Europe, because that’s basically what it is. I also see it as an homage to the movie at the top of this list, so points for that.

9. “The Wisdom of Crocodiles”

A non-traditional vampire film starring Jude Law, this movie is about a regular man with no special powers that has a blood disease and seduces, kills, and drinks the blood of his lovers to stay alive.

8. “The Lost Boys”

One of the first vampire films to make the “who never grows old, oh yeah, Peter Pan and vampires” connection. I’ll always love it for that.

7. “Shadow of the Vampire”

A vampire movie about a vampire movie, “Shadow of the Vampire” covers the making of the first vampire film, “Nosferatu.” The movie explores the real life rumors that the actor who played Nosferatu was in all actuality a vampire.

6. “Bram Stoker’s Dracula”

The film is memorable for two reasons, one being that I think Gary Oldman is one of the best actors of all time and he really sells his performance as Dracula.

The other reason is for how famously bad Keanu Reeves’ accent is. It’s like he thought he was making “Bill and Ted Meet the Excellent Count Dracula.”

5. “Blade 2”

In my opinion, the best movie of the series. Guillermo Del Toro directs the s*** out of this movie, and I really don’t see anyway they could have made a better “Blade” film.

4. “Buffy the Vampire Slayer”

A Buffy/Joss Whedon fan ‘til the day I die and not too proud to admit it. Even though the TV show is much better, you have to watch where it all came from and appreciate a vampire movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously. Plus, David Arquette floating outside the window and Pee Wee Herman dying for like 10 minutes are timeless cinema moments.

3. “30 Days of Night”

Based on a great graphic novel, this film makes vampires halfway scary again and almost tips the scales to make up for “don’t look at me, I’m a monster because I glitter” vampires.

2. “From Dusk Till Dawn”

A vampire film written by Quentin Tarantino and directed by Robert Rodriguez where the first 45 minutes have nothing to do with vampires.

Also, in the last five minutes of the movie you find out that George Clooney had a tattoo sleeve the whole time, and they just never showed it.

1. “Near Dark”

The only time Bill Paxton has ever been badass. Ever.