Tales Of Future Present:

The Bhut Jolokia

These uncertain times serve as something of a litmus test, not only for the economic resilience of the individual, but also of nations as a whole. Things like military expenditures, which generally account for a very large portion of a nation’s overall budget, are usually the last to feel the sting of budgetary cuts, especially among larger nations. That’s why it comes as something of a surprise to hear of the Indian Army (dots, not feathers) and their latest weapon: hot peppers.

According to an article in the Times (Asia Times, that is), the Indian Army is field-testing the Bhut Jolokia pepper, said to be the hottest chili pepper on Earth. The pepper rates over 1 million Scoville Heat Units (according to a New Mexico State University study), whereas the jalapeño that Subway puts on your sub weighs in at a paltry 5,000 SHUs. Obviously this pepper can pack a punch, but can that translate into battlefield effectiveness?

The Indian Army is studying its applicability in such diverse areas as riot-control hand grenades, elephant deterrent, and body warmers. Apparently riots, elephants, and the cold are a problem in India, but not enough to find solutions from outside a farmer’s market.

The chili pepper hand grenades work something like tear gas canisters, in that they cause watery, runny facial orifices and itchy skin. Most rioters don’t enjoy these kinds of things, especially people rioting against pepper-based tear gas. It is very possible that these pepper grenades might be too effective: the idea is to encourage a group of people to disperse and/or be incapacitated long enough to be restrained.

The police force could become taxpayer-funded baby sitters, though, if the pepper grenades incapacitate the targets for an extended period of time, guiding the temporarily blinded to where they need to go and ensuring no one drowns in their own bodily fluids.

The article continues by stating that elephants have been a problem for the Indian Army when it makes camp near elephant reserves. The elephants come bursting into camp, showing no respect for private property and personal boundaries, and nothing seems to stop them (not even electric fences!).

Elephants, however, fear the smell of chilis (even more than they fear being electrically shocked, it seems) and stay right the hell away from them.

The army is testing to see whether or not ropes coated in chili paste can serve as effective fences. Granted, all of my knowledge on the subject of elephant fear comes directly from Bugs Bunny cartoons, but I would imagine a mouse with a chili pepper on its back would probably scare the crap out of an elephant, the same way Freddy Krueger scared the crap out of me when I was little (seriously, I slept on the toilet some nights to save on post-nightmare cleanup time).

The Bhut Jolokia is also being tested in the coldest parts of India. It is said that the pepper can raise body temperatures of people who eat it, but I don’t recall seeing Saint Bernards carrying peppers around their necks to help frozen skiers. A couple swigs of brandy worked just fine for Grandpa when he was in Korea; it should work just as well (and be a lot more enjoyable) today.

Even if these applications don’t work out for the Indian Army, there’s always going to be a market for them with environmentalists. The Indian Army could sell the rights to one of those “go green”-type companies which covers its packaging with “recycle” logos and organic tomfoolery.

Thanks to the Indian Army, the Green Police finally have an Earth-friendly riot control option!