Year of the Drunken Frat Boy

I am a repeat attendee of Tennessee’s annual concert phenomenon known as Bonnaroo. For the uninformed, there are two major factors to the festival experience: crowd and accommodations.

The style of bands booked dictates the crowd. I was not in attendance when Metallica performed in 2008 – a hippie could be trampled by tatted-up metal-heads faster than you can say “… and nothing else matters.”

As for accommodations, first-timers always forget something as accessory as handheld fans or as essential as toilet paper. B’roo 2010 became my first Hotey-jam.

I rented an air-conditioned room with a king-size bed for three days. I was able to take a real shower and use a real toilet every night.

What a different experience! I lost the camaraderie of the campsites, but I gained the benefit of waiting until the afternoon to venture toward Centeroo.

Thanks in a large part to the headlining act, The Dave Matthews Band, Bonnaroo 2010 can be dubbed Year Of The Drunken Frat Boy. Imagine relaxing on your clean blanket enjoying the joyous melodies of living legend Stevie Wonder, only to be stepped on by drunks lacking the decency to apologize. B’roo “noobs” need an etiquette guide.

Entries should include “Walk around blankets and chairs,” “Everyone paid for an overpriced ticket, be polite,” and “Someone who is watching the universe fold in upon itself will not forgive you for shattering their daydream by spilling beer all over them.”

All crankiness aside, Stevie Wonder played an amazing hits-driven set after surprising the crowd by walking out playing a keytar strapped to his chest.

The day before, Michael Franti seemingly became a magician, popping up singing in random places throughout the crowd, much to fans’ delight. Everyone was jumping and clapping their hands.

What a start to the weekend! Immediately following was the Cinderella story of Tennessee natives Kings of Leon, who played on the smallest stage at my first Bonnaroo in 2005, and have since become headliners on the main stage.

They surprised the crowd with a note-perfect rendition of “Where is My Mind?” by the Pixies, later joking “That’s one of our new songs.” Singer Caleb Followill summed it up by saying, “There are not many times I can say I am proud about my career, but this is one of those moments.”

The massive exodus from the main stage was clearly aimed for the endless confetti and balloons dispersed during an epic two-hour set performed by The Flaming Lips. Cavorting topless girls and psychedelic rainbow images decorated the projection screen during the Lip’s explosive interpretation of “Dark Side Of The Moon.”

By Sunday I was able to overlook the crowds lining up for $6 beers during Jeff Beck’s amazing guitar renditions of “Somewhere Over The Rainbow” and “A Day in The Life.”

Dave Matthews closed out later that night to a typical college-age crowd. Dave’s horn section has been beefed up with Grammy award winner Jeff Coffin of the Flecktones in the absence of late sax player LeRoi Moore. Tim Reynolds, wisely included in their current tour, proceeded to shred through their famous version of “All Along the Watchtower.” “No reason to get excited,” indeed, just leave the fratboys at home. Allow me to explain why:

There is one fatality at Bonnaroo almost every year. Many falsely assume the culprit is illegal substances or untested hallucinogens.

The reality is people get dehydrated. Beer is a diuretic known to dehydrate a person by causing them to urinate frequently. Therefore, drunks in the heat faint, receive organ damage, or worse.

My only wish is for jam bands that founded ‘Roo in 2003 to return. I’ll take a happy smelly dreaded hippie over a rude, puking drunk any day.